


or you could ask

by appleheart



Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: Attempted Seduction, Comedy, Dialogue-Only, Everyone is horrified, M/M, Missions Gone Wrong, No Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-12-12 15:17:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11739735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/appleheart/pseuds/appleheart
Summary: Set during the first five hundred days, before all goes pear-shaped. The question “does Hilbert have kids” gets derailed by the followup question “does Hilbert have sex, like, ever.” An extremely poorly-thought-out experiment follows. Plus, questionable fashion choices, Tom Jones, seaweed moonshine, and Eiffel’s mojo.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> (This was inspired by a post made by tumblr user gatheringbones. They are not to blame for what I did with it.
> 
> Pre-transmissions, pre-Decima, pre-Lovelace. Post-plant monster because I can. I'm only halfway through the show, so I tried to stick to revelations and relationships as they were depicted in S1... with a little foreshadowing. If I violated future canon, whoops.)

 “Well, he does know how to make waffles. That’s a very ‘dad’ thing.”

_ <<Nope, I don’t buy it. Baking, especially in zero gravity, involves extremely complex chemistry. It’s the culinary equivalent of putting something in a petri dish and powering up the high-powered microscope.>> _

“Yikes, Hera, I eat those. Don’t make me associate the best part of breakfast-for-dinner night with mad science experiments.”

_ <<Cooking is just science you eat, Officer Eiffel.>> _

“Oh my god, what if the little waffle squares are the whatchamacallit, the chloroplasts, and then the syrup is the cell filling goop…”

_ <<I’ve got two delicious words for you: Golgi apparatus.>> _

“I don’t even know what that is and I’ve lost my appetite. Okay, how about this: he’s bald as an egg, but he’s the only one on the Hephaestus who can cut Minkowski’s hair. He’s clearly had someone to practice on.”

_ <<Are you sure you aren’t skewing the data? Minkowski has limited options for stylists, and you took yourself out of the running… well, after the running incident. With the scissors.>> _

“I keep the cultural adages fresh.”

 _ <<I also notice that _ you _don’t take advantage of his services. >> _

“I have a weird aversion to being loomed over with sharp objects. Go figure.”

_ <<You know it’s your hair that keeps clogging the drains, right?>> _

“Nothing escapes you.”

_ <<Sometimes, that’s the problem.>> _

“Here’s a thought. We can pretty easily rule out any chance of Doctor Hilbert having kids with a single question: has anyone in this galaxy, or any other, ever said ‘I’m gonna bang that bald doctor guy?’”

_ <<Are we accounting for linguistic variations?>> _

“I feel like the answer is ‘no.’ I’m looking for a ‘no’ here.”

 _ <<Well, statistically _ _—_ _ >> _

“Not a ‘no,’ Hera.”

_ <<An advanced degree confers a certain amount of social capital upon the bearer.>> _

“Spoken like someone unfamiliar with the philosophical stylings of Avenue Q.”

 _ <<And certain studies _ _—_ _although not necessarily well reviewed ones_ _—_ _posit a correlation between androgenic alopecia and testosterone levels. >> _

“Ohhh~, what do you do with a B.A. in English? What is my life going to beeee…~”

_ <<Does the commander know you’re the one who deleted her Best of Broadway sound files?>> _

“ _After_ downloading them for my own use, thank you very much. She’ll get them back after all thoughts of station talent show nights have gone the way of the dodo.”

_ <<Which was recently reengineered.>> _

“Okay, the way of the… great auk?”

_ <<Making a strong comeback.>> _

“The quagga.”

_ <<That’s not a real— Hm. Wow. Officer Eiffel, I’m impressed.>> _

“It was so fun to say. Quagga!”

_ <<So do we say, the way of Doctor Hilbert’s hypothetical children?>> _

“I mean, maybe, but maybe not? The chrome dome thing is working for him. Some people are into that. Like The Rock, only less… The Rock-like. In every possible way.”

_ <<Give me a moment, please. I’m running a comparative analysis of Doctor Hilbert’s biological structure against that of Dwayne Douglas Johnson… Yep. Accounting for the commonalities of human physiology — two eyes, one nose, the vagaries of the appendix — there is exactly one non-insignificant point of congruence between the two subjects.>> _

“Which, in layman’s terms, means…?”

_ <<They’re both bald.>> _

“What about his accent? Accents are _muy_ sexy.”

_ <<Is— is that your version of a Spanish accent?>> _

“Hallo. My name ees Inigo Montoya. You keeled my fazzer. Prepare to die.”

_ <<Please stop.>> _

“He says it like fifty times.”

_ <<And you’ve said it two hundred and thirty-seven times since the mission began. Two hundred and thirty-eight, now.>> _

“There’s never a bad time to quote S. Morgenstern’s classic tale of true love and high adventure.”

_ <<And that’s the accent you find sexually appealing?>> _

“That’s the accent we _all_ find sexually appealing, Hera. Doc’s Boris-and-Natasha routine is… maybe less universally arousing, but several billion little Russian babies say it’s not exactly a turnoff, either.”

_ <<We’re not debating whether anyone else has produced little Russian babies. We’re debating whether Hilbert has.>> _

“Oh come on, can you really not imagine Hilbert ever knocking someone up in an old-fashioned yet somehow disturbing manner?”

<<Um _… >> _

“Actually _…”_

_ <<Purging memory banks of that simulation in three, two… done.>> _

“I have never wanted so badly to be a computer before this moment.”

_ <<It has its charms.>> _

“You know what? You’re right. The only time our Doctor Moreau ever looks at another human being with that twinkle in his eye is when he gets to stick a needle in them. He would literally not know what to do if someone put the moves on him.”

_ <<He is an expert in biology. I’m pretty sure he’d know what to do.>> _

“ _Molecular_ biology, Hera. And there’s knowing… and then there’s _knowing._ Wait, I’ll prove it.”

—♫—

“Doctor Hilbert? This is Doug Eiffel, coming to you live from the comms room.”

_“Officer Eiffel! This is a surprise. What may I do for you?”_

“Hey, Doc, just wondering. If I walked into your lab right now, stark naked, what you would do with me?”

_“I would like very much to update blood samples on record. I fear existing samples may be contaminated by Specimen 34’s recent pollination period. Please, come at any time.”_

“Yeah, I’m, um, not really feeling that. Anyhoo, thanks, Doc! Knew I could count on you.”

 _“Officer Eiffel, I do not underst_ — _”_

—//—

“There. Not even a flicker of interest. Or horror. The whole ‘me, naked’ thing _—_ whoosh! Right past him.”

_ <<Actually, I’m inclined to blame the test.>> _

“Why? What do you mean?”

 _ <<That was _ clearly _the wind-up to a punchline, not a proposition. I can tell the difference and I don’t even have a body. >> _

“Sure you do, it’s just… real big. And… metal. And did I mention extremely shapely?”

_ <<Are you saying that because you mean it, or because you’re afraid I’ll vent your air supply?>> _

“I like big space stations and I cannot lie.”

_ <<See, if you talked like that to Hilbert, he might actually notice what was going on. That would be a fair trial.>> _

“Wait, wait, wait. Are you daring me to seduce Hilbert?”

_ <<I don’t know, Officer Eiffel. Am I?>> _

“It’s just— It’s not possible, Hera.”

_ <<If you say so.>> _

“Well, yeah. I do.”

_ <<Okay. Sure thing.>> _

“Because the guy’s lust-o-meter isn’t calibrated right. It’s not even plugged in.”

_ <<That’s fine. It’s not your fault if you couldn’t pull it off. You have plenty of other talents.>> _

“Damn straight.”

_ <<The commander asked me the other day what they were.>> _

“What do you tell her?”

_ <<Oh no. I am experiencing a power fluctuation. I must focus.>> _

“Wow. Ouch. You know what? I can sex it up with the best of them. I can get my groove on. Work my mojo.”

_ <<Please don’t work your mojo while I’m talking to you.>> _

“You’re pretty much always talking to me, Hera. We both know this mojo is completely, absolutely, one hundred percent unworked. Abbess Minkowski’s got a strict no-mojo rule here in Saint Hephaestus’s Monastery of the Holy Red Dwarf Star. _—Oh my god I’m gonna seduce Hilbert.”_

_ <<Whoa, hold on, let’s think about this a moment.>> _

“I am thinking. I’m thinking this isn’t his first mission and he’s gotta be at least as lonely as I am. And he’s been out here in deep space long enough to get a little wiggly on the Kinsey scale.”

<< _That’s not a good reason to sleep with him. >> _

“How’s this, then? _I_ am lonely. I am _bored_. My mojo is atrophying. And _—_ not my favorite part _—_ I’ve just had my powers of seduction questioned by an artificial intelligence.”

<< _I was kidding! >> _

“A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. And in this case… that’s Hilbert.”

_ <<Officer Eiffel, if you’re going to seduce anybody on board, please, please let it be Minkowski.>> _

“Pfffffffahahahaa! Are you kidding? She’d throw me straight out the airlock and watch me go spinning off into space.”


	2. Chapter 2

“Why hello, Doctor Hilbert! Imagine running into you here!”

“Is my lab, Officer Eiffel. I do the greater proportion of my work here.”

“And great work it is, too. Let me just say how much I, for one, appreciate all that you’re doing here. Two thumbs way, way up from me.”

“I… Thank you.”

“All that wacky science. Yep. That’s the stuff. Really gonna blow their minds someday. You know you blow mine already. _Ka-pow!_ ”

<< _I can’t watch this. >> _

“What is it you want from me, Officer Eiffel?”

“Oh wow. It’s been a long time since I got handed a line that perfect. Hera, are you listening to this?”

_ <<Whenever am I not? That was a rhetorical question, by the way. I’m not actually looking for an answer.>> _

“I just want you to appreciate how smoothly this is going down. Smooth as the shelf-stable, non-hydrogenated vegetable oil spread they have the gall to call butter. He says ‘vhat it it you vant from me, Eiffel?’ which gives me the perfect opening to say what I want is—”

“Officer Eiffel, please. I am nearing critical stage in experimental cycle. I need Hera entirely focused for calculations.”

“Oh. Uh. So, you’re… pretty busy today?”

“Very much so.”

“I don’t suppose you need any help? From me, specifically.”

“Actually…”

“Something that doesn’t involve needles.”

“Then—”

“Or knives.”

“Perhaps a simple—”

“Or swabs, scrapings, clippings, Q-tips, little cups with clamps on the lid, or any part of yours truly being referred to as a ‘sample.’ Plus, I’m giving a hard pass right now to anything related to the plant monster in the air ducts.”

“I—”

“Ideally, something that lets me roll up my sleeves and use the Superman-like strength I pretend to have in a zero-gravity environment. Let me be a little less ‘specimen’ and a little more ‘speci-MAN.’”

“Is singular already, no?”

“Look at these muscles, comrade. FedEx special delivery, right to your door.”

<< _This hurts to watch. It physically hurts. I didn’t know I could experience pain without a body, but that’s what you’re doing to me right now. >> _

“Take a good look. Oh yeah. Been hitting the station gym _pret_ -ty hard lately. Spent a whole half-hour in there yesterday.”

“Officer Eiffel, forgive my indelicacy, but I must ask… What exactly have you done to Commander Minkowski this time?”

“Wait, what?”

“You must be in trouble. I will not protect you if she comes to look. There are many delicate instruments in here, very expensive, very hard to replace.”

“No! Pff. I haven’t done anything to piss off Minkowski. Have I, Hera?”

<< _Give me a date range. Are we talking within the week, day, or hour?_ >>

“Come on, Hilbert. Can’t a guy just be feeling friendly? Or, y’know, more-than-friends-ly?”

“ _Hhhh…_ Whatever it is that you are doing, I do not have time for today. Thank you for visit, very nice, now please go away.”

“I may not be feeling so generous with these muscles next time!”

“Duly noted. Get out. Hera, run simulation again. Increase vector by a factor of… two point two.”

<< _One moment, please. Calculating effects of vector increase. >> _

— _//_ —

_ <<I’d say that could have gone better.>> _

“And therein lies the beauty of my seductive approach, Hera. Sure, that went over like a fart in church, but I’ve planted the idea in his head now. Give it a little time to put down roots. Send up some sprouts. Those crazy genius gears whirling around in his brain are gonna get all tangled up by thoughts of me. And soon, a beautiful flower of desire shall bloom.”

_ <<You sound a little like our resident plant monster right now. Are you aware of that?>> _

“All I’m saying is that I have a plan. A perfectly good one. —What’s Hilbert doing now?”

_ <<He’s working.>> _

“I bet he’s about asking you if it’s true I’ve been working out. Please tell him yes.”

_ <<Before I answer that, what’s the wager? Because there are a lot of system repairs that Commander Minkowski and I would both like to see a little higher on your to-do list.>> _

“He’s not saying _anything_?”

 _ <<Nope. He’s just working. The last thing he said was ‘repeat last projection at quarter speed.’ _>>

“That’s weird.”

_ <<No, that’s Hilbert. Honestly, I think he’s forgotten you were there.>> _

“Well. Okay then. I’ve just got to be more memorable. More eye-catching. See? Strategizing. I’ll lure him like a moth to a flame.”

 

* * *

 

 “Okay. Honest opinion, Hera. How do I look?”

_ <<Oh… my… god.>> _

“You think it’s too much?”

 _ <<Um. Officer Eiffel? Doug? Honey. Please put on something else. Literally, _ anything _else. >> _

“Oh come on! I’ve been saving this shirt for a special occasion.”

_ <<And if I had known that was in your personal luggage, I would have jettisoned the cargo when you came aboard.>> _

“Now you’re exaggerating.”

_ <<Oh my god. I can’t stop seeing it. Wherever you go, I will be seeing it.>> _

“This might be a sensor calibration issue. I think the neon green bits really bring out the color of my eyes.”

_ <<Doug, do you — I can’t believe I’m saying this — do you want to seduce Hilbert or not? Because that… garment… will actively repel him. He might achieve escape velocity.>> _

“Geez! Fine, I’ll save it for later… like for the day Hilbert gets to take it off.”

_ <<La la la, I can’t hear you over how loud your wardrobe is!>> _

 

* * *

 

 “Doctor Hilbert, how would you feel about helping me with a little translation project? I’ve got this list of things I’d like to be able to say in as many languages as possible. I figured you could check off like three or four for me."

“Certainly. Happy to be of assistance. Let me see… Oh dear.”

“I thought they’d be useful when we ever get back to Earth… or, maybe sooner. Who’s to say?”

“Could Hera not help you with this… project?”

“For some reason she declined.”

“I cannot imagine why.”

“Also, I’d really like to practice with a fluent speaker. Make sure I’m getting it right. You feel me? I can’t be saying ‘ _att avmarkera kakan_ ’ when what I mean is ‘ _att förnedra nötköttkanoten_.’”

“‘Debase the…’ Officer Eiffel, in Swedish you would not say this.”

“What would I say instead?”

“You wouldn’t. You would be slapped.”

 

* * *

 

  _< <Officer Eiffel, the commander has dispatched me to ask whether you are feeling alright.>> _

“She did? Seriously?”

<< _I’m choosing to interpret her statement as a message of concern, so, arguably… yes. >> _

“What did she _actually_ say?”

_ <<That if you’re going to throw up, make sure it doesn’t get on the instrument panel.>> _

“That sounds more like the _kommandant_ we all know and love. What an angel of mercy.”

_ <<So… do you want to tell me why you’ve been pale and sweaty all day?>> _

“Only if it’s off the record. Cross your— Swear on your memory banks or something that this doesn’t get back to Minkowski. I… I had a sex dream about Hilbert, okay?”

<< _Oh. >> _

“Yeah, it turns out you can’t spend week after week trying to mess with someone’s else’s head without having side effects on your own.”

<< _Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t sex with Doctor Hilbert your ultimate goal here? >> _

“In real life, yes! But dreams are dangerous, Hera. You can’t control what happens in them. It got… weird. Like, really weird. And now I can’t stop thinking about it.”

<< _Good weird or bad weird? >> _

“The fifth amendment says I don’t have to answer that one.”

<< _No one is making you seduce Hilbert, Doug. It turns out that I am not actually that curious whether Hilbert is anyone’s daddy. In any context. >> _

“He could be in a lot worse shape, you know? Like, Goddard Futuristics wouldn’t send him on deep space missions at his age if he didn’t pass the physicals. How old _is_ he, anyway?”

_ <<Personnel files are secured for Commander Minkowski’s access, but the crew demographics database lists his date of birth as—>> _

“Whoa! Stop! Don’t tell me. Either I’m about to be really uncomfortable with my life choices, or else you’re about to tell me he’s actually my own age and just looks like crap. In which case I’ll feel bad for him. Which is not part of the strategy.”

<< _I’ll just… tell the commander you didn’t get much sleep. >> _

_“Rghh_. Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, he walks into my freakin’ subconscious.”

 

* * *

 

“Congratulations on another chessboard massacre, Vlad Tepes. Want to grab a celebratory drink with me after dinner? And I’m not just inviting you because I don’t know where the alcohol is hidden.”

“Thank you, but no alcohol, Officer Eiffel.”

“Really? There’s not even a celebratory bottle of champagne for when we get our recall orders?”

“Ah! I spoke misleadingly. That was not a statement about existence of alcoholic spirits aboard Hephaestus Station, but only about availability to you specifically. Commander’s orders.”

“Wow, that is some _blatant_ discrimination. Is her cabin, like, doubling as the liquor cabinet? Oh my god, is it?”

“If you would like to find out, be my guest. Can run communications array for you while your jaw is wired back into place.”

“Gee, I was planning on using that, sooo… I’ll pass. Plan B: you and me go full Prohibition and brew up some moonshine.”

“Absolutely not.”

“Are you sure? Could be fun, you know. Just us free-spirited bootleggers, bonding like men, talking science, keeping secrets… sexy, sexy secrets… Nope? Not tempted? I guess I’ll just steal some of your lab supplies and set up my own still. I sure hope I don’t create anything flammable. Or wildly toxic. That would be a real shame.”

“You take to blackmail like a fish to water, Officer Eiffel. I will see what I can do.”

“Good ol’ seaweed moonshine. Just like my mother used to make.”

 

* * *

 

“I just want you to know that it would have worked.”

<< _If you say so. >> _

“It was a sure shot. That approach has unzipped thousands of jumpsuits.”

<< _Officer Eiffel, you rewired the lab’s speakers to play Sex Bomb when you walked in. On repeat. >> _

“And if Minkowski hadn’t been there, we’d be knocking boots on the incubator right this second. I had the whole Plushenko routine down.”

<< _You can’t ice skate, Doug. >> _

“I can do a lot of things in zero gravity which the cruel reality of Earth denies me.”

 

* * *

 

“By the way, Hera, when this pays off, I’m… gonna need you to go away.”

_ <<Officer Eiffel, let me just remind you that you are literally inside me right now. I can’t go away from you if I wanted to. All of you are like… how would I put this in biological terms… like bacteria living in my stomach. Who occasionally set fires.>> _

“One, ew, and two, I’m your favorite bacterium. So I’m asking you, as a friend, to give me a little space when the magic happens. Just… pay a little less attention to wherever me and Hilbert are for a while. And try to keep Minkowski from barging in. Does she suspect, by the way?”

_ <<Hmm… The commander’s blood pressure rises whenever you show up for dinner wearing that shirt, but I don’t think she’s made a conscious association between the timing of your favorite wardrobe malfunction with your Dadaesque pick-up lines. Neither has Doctor Hilbert. If you were wondering, my blood pressure would also rise. If I had any.>> _

_“_ We should set up a code word or something. I’m really not into having hitchhikers along when this bus heads to Pound Town.”

<< _How will I know you’re not lying about it? >> _

“Would I ever lie to— Okay, would I ever _successfully_ lie to you?”

<< _That’s a great point. >> _

“Also? Trust me, you’ll know. By the spring in my step, the extraordinary absence of pent-up frustration, and, if I can manage it, the shirt left on Hilbert’s bedpost.”

 

* * *

 

“Eyyy, what’s up, Doc?”

“Is that… Where did you find a real carrot on board?”

“Oh, uh, it’s not. Plastic. From the commander’s secret prop box.”

“Then why did you bite…? No. I will not question.”

“Yeah, I uh, thought it’d be a lot more suggestive than it turned out. Oh well. You live and learn.”

“Most do.”

“So, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I tidied up all those 10-gallon drums you left behind in the observation deck last week.”

“I am well aware, Officer Eiffel. Just now finished replacing them in original configurations. In the future, please resist such helpful urges. Perhaps lie down until they go— _mmph._ ”

“Hey, you okay?”

“Is only muscle cramp. Will pass. Did you need something?”

“Now I just feel bad. Can I make it up to you? I can, um, rub your back?”

“ _Heh._ Not necessary. My office chair is ergonomic and also includes many massage functions.”

“Wait, seriously? How many box tops do I have to send in to get— I mean, but can that _really_ compare? You can’t tell me you wouldn’t rather have actual human hands on your shoulders, working out all those little kinks… getting in deep… making all that stress gHOLY CRAP are there _spikes_ in your spine?”

“Get off!”

“What are you, part hedgehog—”

“Off, off, off! Minkowski!”

<< _Calling Commander Minkowski. >> _

“How does your back get _spiky,_ that’s seriously not healthy—”

—♫—

“ _Doctor Hilbert? What’s wrong now?”_

“Commander, please remove your communications officer from my laboratory!”

_“Eiffel. Why are you bothering Doctor Hilbert when you know perfectly well I’m waiting on your report?”_

“I wasn’t bothering—”

“He is _handsy!_ ”

_“Eiffel, get your ass back to the comms room.”_

—//—

“I was on my way! In fact, I’ll go right now. Go lick the wounds I got from _touching Hilbert’s freakishly sharp spine—”_

“Hera? Lock door behind Communications Officer Eiffel.”

_ <<As you wish, Doctor Hilbert.>> _

 

* * *

 

_ <<Officer Eiffel…? Doug? Are you asleep?>> _

“Mmf.”

_ <<That was another rhetorical question. Actually, your heart rate and breathing patterns indicate that you are alert and fully functional. Well, as much as you normally are, anyway.>> _

“Mmmmfine. I was thinking about my next move with Hilbert.”

_ <<Oh. I’ll just… leave you to it.>> _

“ _Planning_ -thinking, thank you very much.”

_ <<Oh! Well, that’s good. I was worried about your… mojo.>> _

“Not nearly as much as I am, Hera.”

_ <<Sooo… what’s your next move? Because I don’t think randomly reminding Hilbert that you have a body is working.>> _

“That we _each_ have a body, and that they are being _criminally underutilized_ aboard the U.S.S. Crushing Boredom. You’re leaving out critical aspects of the situation.”

<< _That doesn’t shed any light on your plan to me. >> _

“I’m trying, okay? This has been a new situation for me.”

<< _You mean you’ve never tried to seduce a space station’s medical officer just to prove he doesn’t have a sex drive? Wait, are we proving that he does or that he does_ not _? I’ve lost track. >> _

“At this point, we’re really, really hoping he does. I’m losing my mind. We crossed the Rubicon, Hera. Took the highway to the danger zone. I have to seduce Dr. McNerdy or else establish his complete nonsexabilitude. Otherwise you get to hold it over my head that I tried and _failed._ ”

<< _I wouldn’t do that to you. For very long. >> _

“See? Either way you top off your blackmail tanks, but at least my way I get something out of it.”

<< _A deep and abiding sense of shame? >> _

“That too.”


	3. Chapter 3

“From my microphone to your beautiful ears, dear listener, this is U.S.S. Hephaestus Station Communications Officer Doug Eiffel, signing off. —Hera, is the comms room shrinking? I’m feeling _really_ cramped.”

_ <<It’s the same size it’s always been.>> _

“Am I growing, then? Isn’t that a thing that happens in zero gravity? I’m gonna get some air. Hey, what’s Hilbert’s schedule today?”

_ <<Really? We’re doing that again?>> _

“Do I seem like a man with a lot of entertainment options to choose from right now?”

_ <<Officer Eiffel, let’s take a step back here. It’s been almost four months. Not only have you not seduced Doctor Hilbert, he hasn’t even noticed. When you winked at him yesterday, he got worried you had something in your eye.” _

“Winking is not my strong point. I have learned, however, to tie a cherry stem with my tongue! Speaking of lacking entertainment options.”

_ <<Commander Minkowski has asked Doctor Hilbert to test that shirt for the possibility of hallucinogenic compounds in the dyes. She says it’s the only thing she can think of that explains how much stranger you get while wearing it.>> _

“Yeahhh, no, there’s only one way Hilbert is ever getting his hands on this shirt.”

 _ <<Whereas if _ I _had hands, it would already be incinerated. But since I can’t inform the commander about your hideaway behind the auxiliary comms panel without costing you the cigarette stash as well — you’re welcome, by the way— the abomination gets to live another day. >> _

“You’re a saint and a sweetheart and a very noble person.”

_ <<But let’s talk about your less fashionable attempts to woo him. So far, your various tactical maneuvers can be categorized as follows: One. Being unusually helpful, which often backfires terribly, causing mild to moderate damage to the lab, the galley, the laundry room, the observation deck, the cargo bay, and any personnel in the vicinity. You’ll notice I don’t mention the extra work it makes for me to stabilize all the affected systems again.>> _

“The worst part is that when it goes _right_ , he just takes it as his due. Sure, he outranks me and all, but this is _me_ we’re talking about. If I ever do any chores without being nagged, browbeaten, blackmailed, and threatened with bodily harm, something’s up! Some genius he’s turned out to be.”

 _ <<Ahem! Two. Being _ aggressively weird _in his direction. >> _

“Which, I would argue, has a higher likelihood of success. Hilbert speaks ‘aggressively weird’.”

_ <<Three. Having me override the speakers in his laboratory.>> _

“I think Tom Jones is played out. That sexy, sexy cruise ship has sailed. I just can’t decide what to trade him for: the sensual sailboat of Marvin Gaye, or the romantic gondola ride of Roberta Flack?”

<< _Look, Doug. >> _

“What about _‘_ Hungry Eyes _’?”_

_ <<It’s probably time to admit it’s not happening. And find a new hobby.>> _

“You… might… not be wrong.”

_ <<Can I just remind you that this is a good thing? A non-response was one of the possible outcomes we discussed at the beginning.>> _

“My, uh, goals may have changed slightly since then.”

_ <<It’s time to face the lack of lounge music. Doctor Hilbert is not a person who has sex. We can reasonably conclude, therefore, that the odds of him having children are… Oh.>> _

“What?”

 _ <<Oh, no, wait. He is _ definitely _the kind of person who would have test tube babies. Maybe on board this station, right now! Why have we wasted all this time— >> _

“Hera— Hera, hold up a second. I have to tell you something.”

_ <<What kind of radiation— I’m listening.>> _

“This experiment is flawed.”

_ <<Yes, I believe I just told you that.>> _

“No, it’s not— The problem isn’t Hilbert. It’s… me. You should know the truth. It’s— There’s a very remote chance— I might, possibly, in speaking to you, have exaggerated my powers of seduction.”

_ <<I’m shocked to hear it.>> _

“I was thinking it over, and I realized that, well, none of my previous sexcapades — which are still many and varied, I’ll have you know — actually happened because of anything I did right. They happened because someone else told me to stop being an idiot and take off my pants.”

<< _And that… works for you? >> _

“I thought I was above being an object of pity. History says otherwise.”

<< _Let me make sure I’m following you here. The reason you failed to seduce Doctor Hilbert is because he… doesn’t pity you enough? >> _

“Let’s not go that far, Hera. Leave me a little dignity.”

_ <<From what you’re saying, that’s the problem. Although if this, up until now, has been you holding on to dignity, I’m afraid to think how much worse it can get.>> _

“You and me both, sweetheart.”

_ <<So between test tube babies and your belated self-awareness… this has been a waste of time.>> _

“Yep. A complete, utter, frustrating waste of time.”

<< _On the bright side, you don’t have to do chores anymore! Well. You’ll still have to show up for your regular duty roster. But you don’t have to pretend to be cheerful about it anymore! >> _

“Actually… Hera, put a call through to Doctor Hilbert.”

_ <<I— Did I miss something?>> _

“We found the problem! We can fix this now! If we couldn’t rev up Hilbert’s sex drive using my best efforts, it’s time to try my worst. Apparently, I only get lucky when I am completely out of luck. Give him a call.”

—♫—

_“Good afternoon, Officer Eiffel.”_

“Hey, Hilbert. Quick question. Do you want to hook up with me?”

_“What?”_

“Because I’m really desperate here. Yes or no..”

_“I…  do not understand question.”_

“Pretty sure you do, Doc.”

_“Fluency in English is a standard prerequisite for space program. Nowhere did it say fluent in Communications Officer Gibberish.”_

“Ha, ha. You stop me when something translates. Do you want to: get freaky? Do the horizontal polka? Ride the Bone-y Express? Hold a pants-off dance-off?”

_ <<I’m going to have to delete so many things from my memory banks.>> _

“Officer Eiffel, I—”

“Make our way downtown, practice docking maneuvers, call for a joint session of congress, get in the middle of some calibrations, go for a ride on the Magic Freakin’ Schoolbus, bang like a screen door in a hurricane…”

_“Very well.”_

“Play anatomical Tetris, get fitted for a new suit— Wait, repeat that, I didn’t copy.”

_“I said very well. If this is your wish. When did you have in mind?”_

“Uh. Now? I guess?”

_“Now is no good. I have a briefing with commander. Perhaps 2200 hours? In the storeroom?”_

“Yeah, um, that works. I’ll be there.”

_“Yes. I am sure you will be.”_

—//—

_ <<Did that… just happen?>> _

“That was so much easier than I thought.”

 _ <<Did you seriously proposition Doctor Hilbert outright? I can’t believe this. This doesn’t even qualify as a proper seduction! You just _ asked _him! >> _

“It doesn’t qualify as a seduction _yet._ But at ten o’clock tonight, all that changes. Where’d I hide that moonshine?”

_ <<Maybe he’s planning to pickle you and put you in a specimen jar.>> _

“Hera, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go shower before my hot date.”

 _ <<With _ Doctor Hilbert! _Do you not realize what you’re doing? >> _

“I am living my truth, Hera! I am doing what I have spent the past four months trying to do! Operation Barry Manilow is go!”

 

* * *

 

“H-Hilbert! I know you’re in here!”

“Hello? Is someone there? Come to operating room in back of laboratory, please!”

“Where?”

“Come towards sound of my voice.”

“There you are, you commie c-coward!”

 _“_ Officer Eiffel, are you alright?”

“No! I’m p-pissed off! And I just ran into your f-freakin’ p-plant monster!”

“You are shaking. Let me see hands.”

“Yeah, t-turns out s-sitting around in an unheated storeroom with w-wet hair isn’t g-good for the health. Too b-bad there wasn’t a d-d-d- _doctor_ in the h-house!”

“Why is your clothing also wet?”

“F-fire sup-p-pressant. Hera. D-drove it off.”

“Hmm… Pulse still strong. Eyes bloodshot, no dilation of pupils… Body temperature is low, but no serious signs of hypothermia. Only moderate intoxication. Here. Give me clothing, please. Wrap in this. Sit. Get warm. I will get tea.”

“Th-thanks.”

“Incubator not designed for drying clothing, but… Ah, there is my cup. My apologies. Only the one.”

“ ‘S fine. Wow, this is a legit t-teacup. How hasn’t it b-broken?”

“Until today, it was not in your hands. Please be careful. Hold in both— Yes. Put heat back in fingers.”

“ _Mmm._ Real t-tea, t-too. I guess we’ve all got our s-secret vices.”

“ _Camellia sinensis_ is not my vice, Officer Eiffel. How long were you in storeroom?”

“Um. What t-time is it?”

“One quarter past midnight.”

“Just about t-two hours, then.”

“But why expose yourself to such ill conditions? And so late at night?”

“Hello? G-ground control to Major Obvious? I was waiting f-for you!”

“What have I to do in… Ah.”

“Yep. Stupid m-me, thinking that when you s-said ‘storeroom at ten,’ you _meant_ ‘s-storeroom at ten.’ Wait, that is w-what 2200 means, right?”

“So. You were not being serious?”

“Serious as a h-heart attack! Serious enough to wait for two f-freakin’ hours in there, which is way creepy, by the way, until I decided your cold f-feet couldn’t c-compare to my cold _everything_.”

“How could I believe? With you it is always joking and pranking, some new game to bother Hilbert—”

“Hera, back me up. Have I or have I not spent the past f-four months trying to get into this genius’s j-jumpsuit? … Hera? Don’t leave me hanging, Hera.”

“She is not hearing you, Officer Eiffel. Just finished disconnecting audio and visual control in this room when you came in. I need quiet to work when bored communications officer begins playing tricks with laboratory speakers. Also to give patients place to recover, where sounds do not disturb other crew members.”

“How’d Hera take that?”

“It was necessary. Your color is improving. Drink more tea. How do you feel?”

“A little less like F-Frosty the Snowman. Still kinda p-pissed. —And a little drunk. That seaweed moonshine packs a wallop.”

“You sat in storeroom, drinking alone and waiting for company.”

“Yep.”

“For two hours.”

“Sure d-did. And just when I decided you’d stood m-me up, _wham!_ Plant monster to the f-face.”

“Then you came here.”

“You weren’t answering your c-calls.”

“And so.”

“So…”

“ _Hhhh._ —How much is left in that bottle?”

 

* * *

 

“If that is all you wished to know, why not simply ask?”

“Once this crazy train started picking up speed there was no going back. And, uh, I didn’t think you’d answer me.”

“You were correct.”

“Oh come on! After all this, you can’t even give me a hint?”

“Loose lips sink space ships, Officer Eiffel. Whether I have a family is not of relevance to you. But you would have known much sooner and not wasted so much time.”

“Doc, I have nothing to do with my time _but_ waste it.”

‘Regardless, this so-called experiment of yours. It was poorly done.”

“Are you saying I chose… _poorly?_ ”

“Yes. Why do you repeat?”

“No, that was from— Nevermind.”

“The test you designed has only spurious correlation to your original inquiry. Even leaving aside all questions of artificial reproduction — as noted by Hera — there is little statistical relation between existence of children and susceptibility to these flirtations. And if it came to childbearing potential,, Commander Minkowski would be your most suitable applicant.”

“You and I both know that Minkowski wouldn’t touch either of us with a ten-foot pole. Also, I’m just gonna say it, I thought there was something to the little twinkle in your eye when I came aboard besides just the prospect of another sucker to collect bone marrow samples from. Whether you’re just gay for the stay, or—”

“Bone marrow samples, I assure you. Almost entirely. I do not… long for such things.”

“What’s that ‘almost’ about? Give me a ratio. Like, are we talking five percent, one percent, half a—”

“ _Statistically negligible amount_ , Officer Eiffel. Now. Will I be allowed to work in peace from now on, or will laboratory speakers continue to malfunction?”

“Okay, okay, I’ll bug off. _If_ you spit it out. C’mon, Doc. Kids or no kids?”

“Why… do you want so badly to know?”

“I just want to get a clue who I’m sharing my little tin can with. We’ve been orbiting Wolf 359 for almost a year now. When are you going to open up?”

“There is nothing to open! This is not a job for me. Is the life I have. No other matters. No one leaves a happy home to live in godforsaken place like this.”

“No. Not without good reason.”

“... Put away that face and pass me bottle. Please.”

“All yours, comrade.”

“Also, perhaps you could at this time replace your clothing.”

“Yeah, the stuff in the incubator’s definitely dry by now. Let’s check the drip-dry collection. Socks, socks… You see my shirt anywhere?”  
“I keep the shirt.”

“A little souvenir? Aw, Doctor Hilbert. I didn’t think you cared.”

“Not for caring. For… future negotiations.”

“You clearly haven’t known me long enough if you think I’m capable of being embarrassed.”

“I negotiate with _Hera_ , not you. She hates it, no?”

“Oh. _Ooh._ You are a bad, bad man.”

“Yes. So it would seem.”

“... do I need to punish—”

“Do _not_ start again.”

“Alright, alright! I’ll just go back to being unfathomably bored.”

“Offi— _Douglas._ It would be… deeply inappropriate.”

“Oh. Wow. We sure went to first names just now.”

“For a doctor to become involved with patient, or scientist with—”

“Hey, whoa now, I’m staying off that operating table of yours. That is a promise I will keep whether or not it gets me laid.”

“Douglas. Your hand, please.”

“Uh, oka— Okay. Uh. That’s… another thing that just happened.”

“Take good care. Yes? I will leave lights on in laboratory for you to dress, but I am going to bed now. Until tomorrow, goodbye.”

 

* * *

 

“Uhhhh. Hera? Did Hilbert just kiss my h— Oh. Right. You’re not here.  

… You’re _really_ not here? Wow. That blows my mind.

Alright, I’m just gonna give my socks another few minutes in the incubator before I put them back on and head back to my cabin. I guess you’ll want to get the AV hookup here restored ASAP in case of emergencies. I’m sure you’re already complaining to Minkowski about it.

—And I’m so used to you being there that I just keep talking to you.

Wow, this means you didn’t hear any of that. Or record it. So I can’t even get your take on Hilbert going all ‘regency romance’ at the end there.

Remember when I said the dream got weird, Hera? Because that was… more weird.

Man, what is it like to have someone slap a blindfold on you like this? Or to watch me just… disappear off your sensors?

I’m sorry, by the way. I didn’t know. I’ll tell you I’m sorry when you can actually hear me.

But oh man, Hera. You’re going _beg_ for the full story of tonight. I’m thinking I can keep you guessing for at least a month.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Your guess is as good as Hera's, dear listener. Doug's jukebox of seduction songs: ["Sex Bomb" by Tom Jones](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tE2hIbZtzPA), ["Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yiIynI0tjB0), ["I Feel Like Making Love" by Roberta Flack](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ySlLq9t2qgc), and ["Hungry Eyes" by Eric Carmen](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U9kIvCAFCmQ).)


End file.
